The Renegade Pirates Club

Time for some verbal catharsis

2011-01-10T14:44:00.002Z

It's been a rough transition back to Nova Scotia and every day that goes by I find myself questioning whether or not I really belong here. Then I question what I'm holding in my energy field to make everything feel so difficult. What sneaky belief am I holding in my sub conscious that is slowly sabotaging my efforts at establishing a life here?

Is it fear? That I'll be right back where I was when I left? Broke, unable to find a decent job and scared half to bloody death?

Well, there's just over 200 bucks left in my bank account and no sign of a job anytime soon.

Sure I had a job, but I handed in my notice today. The logistics simply would not work.

Buddha says attachment is the source of all suffering.
I better get a pry-bar.

I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I've no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going.
I used to know.
I think.

I miss my people back in Ireland. I miss the lifestyle. I miss the music, the adventures, the nonesense of it all.

Worse still I find myself wondering if this is just a problem with my brain. I've got inadequate coping skills or maybe some chemicals are just not mixing right.

I dunno.
But I do hope I figure it out soon.

Frustrated at mediocrity and the compliance of de-valuing valuable professionals

2010-11-28T02:49:00.002Z

Good evening internet, it's time we had a chat. This isn't going to be pretty, but there's something I need to get off my chest.

Please won't someone tell me why it seems to be acceptable in the province of Nova Scotia for employers to demand expertise and 3rd level education and then refuse to pay a decent salary to potential employees?

Please won't you also tell me why on earth employees in turn seem so inclined to ignore the fact that they and their skills are being chronically under-valued and in lieu of demanding to be appropriately recompensed for their skills and experience, will turn to me with deep sympathy in their voice and say well, at least it's a job... in this economy you're lucky to have any job at all.

What the hell is happening here?

Seriously?

Does anyone know?

What message are we sending out here? That the work we do isn't really valuable at all. That any idiot could do it and will do it, for little pay because son, you're luck to have a job in this economy.

How in the hell are people even expected to live on 9.65 an hour? Have you done the math? I did the math on a job offering 15 bucks an hour and it was looking to be very tight living in deed.

I went into a lot of debt with the promise that a degree would guarantee me a job once I graduated. Well that wasn't true. But, don't worry, I was told, once you've got some experience under your belt, then you're laughing. Laughing...not quite. More like shaking with fury.

Here I sit, with 5 years experience and a thirty-thousand dollar piece of paper that isn't worth the ink it was printed with, because I can't find a job. I've worked in another country, I've even run my own business yet here I am, unemployed.

And the irony, oooooh the irony is that I attend workshops, workshops that are aimed at improving my job hunting skills and my employability as a Facilitator, which are facilitated by people who have NO IDEA HOW TO FACILITATE A GROUP OF PEOPLE.

All I can do is shake my head and apply for a nice minimum wage job at Sobeys.

2010-10-30T23:37:00.003+01:00

I've been feeling the desire to write lately.
But if you ask me now, I'm not sure what it was I wanted to say.
Probably something along the lines of how weird it is to be back in Canada.

I'm seeing things now that I never saw before...
things like, why this place has such a car culture...it's all in the design. We have the space, but I look at that as poorly planned space. It's all sprawl.

My question of the day has been, what the hell are we gonna do if we really do run out of oil? There's gonna need to be some big changes with the way we plan our towns, cities and residential areas.

I've begun to take notice of the media campaign that encourages citizens to reduce their waste by recycling...and hear (unconfirmed) that Nova Scotia doesn't actually have adequate facilities to deal with the separated waste...regardless, it seems like a band-aid solution to bad planning.

What is this obsession with space? The cars are big, the roads are big, the shops are big and the houses are big...how big does a shop really need to be? What would this place look like if instead of "communities" of houses built along a string, where the nearest shop is a 15 minute drive away, we adopted a European approach of hub-villages?

Is it really more cost effective to have one super-sized store?

How are old people supposed to access basic services- the post office, the chemist, the doctor, if everything is built along a string?

Safe to say that yes, I'm experiencing culture shock, for my own culture...or at least what used to be my own culture...

If I ever forget...

2010-10-21T01:31:00.002+01:00

If I ever forget
to look for shapes in the clouds,
to make funny faces or to dance like crazy;

How to laugh til I cry or talk to strangers,
to get lost in music or to stop and smell the roses;

If I ever forget
how to really enjoy a good meal,
or to watch for shooting stars;

to have a hundred ideas a day
and just as many plans for adventure;

If I ever forget
that sometimes a good cry does a world of good
and a cuppa tea can soothe the soul;

that hang overs are self-inflicted,
but probably for a good reason;

If I ever forget
that children have infinite wisdom
and to laugh at myself and the world around me;

that heels are entirely about esthetics
and magazine covers are airbrushed;

If I ever forget
that personal worth is not the same as personal wealth
and I must open if I wish to receive;

That dreams are the first steps toward transformation
and it's ok to get your trousers dirty;

Would you kindly poke me with a stick, and tell me
not to take myself so damned seriously?

You know, life is pretty damn good.

2010-10-03T20:16:00.002+01:00

I just had a great weekend.
Friday evening wasn't off to the best start. I missed the Bill Bailey performance because I was just feeling ill. Chills and aches and ick.
Saturday saw me travel to Ballymun to work with a group of children with Austism and Downs Syndrome. The session didn't go as planned, logistically speaking, but it went surprisingly well. We played Traffic Lights, we rumbled and we roared. We played shaker games and even tried the game where you get someone to wink at people in the circle to get them to stop playing. Parents thanked me and the organiser said to drop a line if I was ever back in Dublin. Nice.

After the session Dave and I went up to Belfast where we met Joe and Grainne and went out to dinner at a very loud chinese restuarant called Macau. The food and the company was great. Last visit up to see my Belfast friends and I know I'll miss them dearly. Very grateful for this big beautiful thing we call the internet.

Drove home and Paul popped in to return DVDs. I don't know what it is about that man, but every time I meet him, my creative juices get flowing and I leave absolutely inspired. He's got such a great way of putting things into perspective. He left a lovely card for me and I just feel so loved.

Finally, I received an email from the Sea Kayak Guide school. I'm in.
Just like that.
I now have to train myself to trust that my work with Non-Personal Awareness is really working and that I do not need to worry about money coming to me.

Also discovered that the drumming workshop I'll be attending the weekend after I arrive is just around the corner from Brent & Ian. How handy is that?!

Feels like things are coming together beautifully and while I'll miss this place and the people who live here, it feels like I'm stepping up to another fantastic adventure.

2010-09-30T09:47:00.002+01:00

In my dream I was driving. It was night time and it was hard to see. I could see misty lights from cars passing quickly beside me. It grew more difficult to see the road, like a thick fog had descended.
Then I was jolted...as though I'd dozed off at the wheel and suddenly hit the shoulder. It was too late. I was going to crash and then the car was rolling.

When the car stopped moving, I checked in with myself...I was alive...I could move...

And that's when I woke up, heart pounding in my ears.

When you can't see where you're going, slow down. Otherwise, you might just crash.

2010-09-27T20:00:00.002+01:00

I want to remember this place.

As the place I've felt more alive than I have in a long time. As the place where I danced naked and where I laughed til I cried.

I want to remember this place.

Where I breathed I cursed through the pain, using energy psychology techniques that I'm sure wigged out the artist.

I want to remember this place

Where I've been living deep in my body, feet firmly planted on the ground and smiled while smitten with a pretty girl.

What does it mean to be grounded? Peace. An absolute knowing that everything is right with the universe and I am exactly where I need to be.

I want to remember this place.

Happy birthday, Nan :)

Scrambled brains on toast

2010-09-11T20:04:00.002+01:00

Today I went to a workshop run by Sarah Bird. The topic was Change your beliefs and change your life.

Eight participants gathered for this day-long course and while I can't speak for the others, I can say that I have had some pretty big shifts.

Sarah taught us several techniques including Non-Personal Awareness, Emotional Freedom Technique(EFT) and Zpoint. The idea was to identify a belief that was holding you back and to then clear it out. My old friend "I'm not good enough" came out to the forefront and I worked for a good part of the day to clear it. Next, I did work around fear- specifically of not being able to find fulfilling and well paying work when I return to Nova Scotia.

The techniques were so simple I caught myself thinking "of fer christ's sake! I've been struggling with this all this time and all I had to do was THAT?!"

Now, my brains feel scrambled. I've done a re-wire and I am tired. I'm damned curious to know how this will impact my life and the way I live from now own.

Guess there's only one way to find out ;)

Times, they are a changin'

2010-09-05T12:42:00.002+01:00

Wise words of Bob Dylan to start today's post.

As I write this, it's pissing out, but for once I don't really mind :)

You see, after a crazy week long trip with Dave, I came home to a shockingly dull day. And without the distractions of the previous week, (such as the beautiful Alps of Austria, Crazy Italian drivers and German-only speaking areas) I finally got a clear message of where to go.

I've been at an impass for sometime now. Feeling quite unsure of where to go, just certain that remaining here was no longer an option. No, it's not that something terrible happened- more of an awakening that my energy and the energy of this place just don't jive right now.

So I decided to go home.

I doubt its any coincidence that the pull to move happens 5 years after I landed here. I still marvel at how quickly the time has passed and how much has happened. I've been living a-lot-

So begins the process of wrapping up life here and facing all the niggling fears of returning to my home country. Will I find work? Where will I live? Will my friends still have time for me? Will there be family drama? Will I go mad with a 6 month long winter? What if I hate it? What if I get stuck and can't leave?

Who knows?

I do know that the fears are subsiding and a peace is spreading out through me, likely as a result of finally having a direction. I know I'll be fine. I always am. I just need to remember to trust.

Today I spent about 30 minutes intentionally imagining what the best possible outcome to moving home could be. It was a brilliant exercise and while I've still got some stubborn worries, I'm moving more to a place of seeing the move home as yet another adventure.

WWOOF

2010-08-13T19:14:00.004+01:00

Today I volunteered on a farm outside a town called Ashford. I signed up to WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) last week and started to investigate whether short term volunteering was a possibility.

I sent an email to a lady and voila, I found myself in Ashford today.
The farm is set in a beautiful location with hills either side of it. There are 14 horses and ponies, chickens and dogs. Many of the animals have been rescued.

Sarah & Laura, the daughters of the family, showed me around today and taught me things like how to pick hooves clean, the different types of brushes used in grooming, and how to tie a horse safely.

After dragging hay and water, we spend some time in the horse enclosures with a pony named Bella. Bella is a rescue with a sad story. Sarah rescued her from some Travellers and when she was dropped off she was starved and had skin infections covering a lot of her body. Her hooves were curled and she got so stressed out from the abuse and the move to her new home that she started to hemmorrage through her nose and they were sure she was going to die.

Somehow, she recovered, and slowly began to put on weight. No one can ride her and she was afraid to be brushed because of the pain from her damaged skin.

I'd never given Reiki to a horse before, but I'd read about it and today I thought Bella would be the perfect candidate. Sarah couldn't believe how still Bella stood while I held my hands to her body and gently stroked her.

A little later on, I asked Sarah if I could try brushing out Bella's coat. Sarah asked if I really thought Bella would allow it and I said I thought so. We got a soft brush and I went back into the enclosure. I approached Bella and I showed her the brush, then I put one hand on her back, and began gently to brush her down. She continued to eat away as if I wasn't there.

Sarah stood on the other side of the fence and said she couldn't believe it.

It was such an amazing feeling to develop a connection with such a huge animal. Bella even nuzzled me a few times as if to say thank you.

Can't wait to go back to the farm...

It's not me, it's you...or rather, just an idea.

2010-08-06T18:34:00.002+01:00

I find myself at a bit of a crossroads of late. What I'm doing isn't really working, and I can't get to where I think I'd like to go til I get some money together. Need a job to achieve that, yet all I've been receiving are No Thank You letters....I've decided it sounds better to call them that, instead of rejection letters that is.

I had an idea for a very long time that I was meant to be in service. So long in fact, that I forgot it was just an idea and instead I integrated it into Who I Am.
But of course, now when I remember it's just an idea, suddenly there is space to do whatever I may choose.

I've come to a realisation that me and drumming full time don't work. Maybe it's that I don't have a business head on me, maybe it's the recession, maybe it's the fact that Dublin just doesn't have a big drumming culture.

In any event, it's time to make a change. I've been struggling with the notion of what to do if I won't be drumming. Going back to the question of well, what gets you excited? helped a bit...maybe sustainable design & architecture?

I'm gonna have to go back to school for that. And if I want to go back to school, I'm going to need money...which means I need a job.

I've been looking in Dublin, now I've decided to look at Halifax too. Hell, why not?

Four questions

2010-07-26T10:22:00.003+01:00

I've been reading Eckart Tolle's A New Earth and have found it incredibly helpful in screwing my head back on straight. The books speaks about how human kind has a bad habit of completely identifying with its thoughts, to the point that we confuse our thoughts for who we we really are.

I've been highlighting and discussing the book with anyone who will hear me, but there were four questions that really hit home.

Eckart speaks of a time when he was working as a spiritual teacher and counsellor. He would visit a woman who had been diagnosed with Cancer and was given but months to live. He said that during their visits he showed her how to access peace in silence and they would practice this. One day, however, when he came to visit, he found the woman in great distress. Her diamond ring, once belonging to her grandmother, had gone missing and she was convinced that the care worker who looked after her a few hours each day had stolen it.

Eckart listened to the woman and advised her that while he could not tell her what to do, he had 4 questions that he would like to ask her. He explained to her that she need not answer aloud and that he would give her time to reflect after each question.

The questions were:

"Do you realise that you will have to let go of the ring at some point, perhaps quite soon?

How much more time do you need before you will be ready to let go of it?

Will you become less when you let go of it?

Has who you are become diminished by the loss?"

As I read these questions a smile came to my face. When I think of most things that have been worrying me in my life and apply these questions, I begin to see that the process of letting go is actually quite simple when I quit deriving my identity with the object/person that needs to be released.

Letting go does not mean I lose myself...

Is it Anger, or is it Art?

2010-07-23T14:01:00.005+01:00

I feel like I'm coming out of a very long, very dark tunnel.
I walked into Dr. Shayne's office, feeling wobbly and unsure of what to expect. Paul had recommended him the week before, saying the good doctor was very talented at helping people shift negative thought patterns. I knew I had to make an appointment.

The night before I'd had a total melt down. It seemed to come out of no where. One minute I'm napping peacefully beside my boyfriend, the next minute I'm awake a sobbing in great shuddering gasps, missing my marriage and feeling like I'd made a mess of my life.

So really, it wasn't surprising that when I arrived in the office and sat on the plynth, that it took very little for me to feel affronted and start crying.

I know enough to know that I know nothing at all, but it's still difficult to have someone point it out to me, and that's what Doctor Shayne proceeded to do for the next 40 minutes.

He asked me why I was there and when I told him I was experiencing chronic pain and depression he asked me why I was describing everything in medical terms. Yes, but what do you feel? He asked.

So I told him and after awhile I understood that while some of the things he was telling me were things I really didn't want to hear, he was ultimately on my side.

I explained that I thought it was all in my head- not the pain per say, but that my brain was actually the culprit. I have a lot of anger, I said.

Is it anger, he replied, or art?
In his experience, people with anger problems tended to kill people and set fire to things...so it is possible that it could be something else?

I remembered back to a time when someone said to me, gee, you must have a lot of anger about your childhood. I also remembered saying that I didn't really feel angry...yet somewhere along the line I'd adopted that comment and integrated it into my story about who I am.

So, could it be art? Art stuck in my body? Art I can't seem to pull out and can't seem to even conceptualize because I'm too busy worrying that it will be crap?

I wasn't sure, but I figured on the off chance that it was in fact art, waiting to be brought into the world, I'd better get out my paint brushes and see what happens...for that matter, I'd better also get out my instruments and see what comes out when I hit record. There be dragons here.

The Doc also gave me homework- get a copy of A New Earth, by Eckart Tolle, he says.
Alright. I'd read The Power of Now a few years ago, so I knew more or less what I'd be in for...well, that goes to show you what making assumptions does. It's a great book and reading it is like lighting a match in that dark tunnel. I've had a sudden moment of AHA! The exit's over there! Right, off we go.

I've got another appointment on Monday, and until then I'm going to keep reading my book, keep creating and remember to be-here-now.

stereotypes

2010-07-11T19:42:00.003+01:00

I seem to be devoting less and less time to writing in this space lately and I've come to wonder if it's soon time to retire. I've been continuing my paper journal, so at least I've some chronical of the daily comings and goings of life...

It's been an interesting week. I met a man who likes to role play- perfectly acceptable in society if we're talking Dungeons & Dragons, but so is not the case for this fellow. He has an alter-ego named Holly*. Holly likes to clean. When in character, this man will wear specific clothes and likes to be referred to by his alter-ego. When out of Character, Holly is referred to in third person.

When a friend explained that she had a man coming over to clean her house I didn't think much of it. When she said the man happened to cross-dress before dusting I was intrigued. I can't say I understood it, and I admit I did have a little giggle. I had a picture of a glamorous young drag queen in a french maid's uniform.

Who I met, couldn't have been farther from my imaginings. Far from young, fit and glam, the man was at least in his 60s and rather rotund. When in character, his outfit reminded me of Miss Muffet as she sat on her tuffet. It wasn't flattering, nor was it over the top. Out of character the man has a perfectly normal job, is eloquent and polite.

But I had to think- what would happen to him and his career if anyone were to find out about that he likes to cross-dress and clean people's houses for a hobby? Would he be labeled a nut-case or worse, a pervert?

I can't say I personally understand where the enjoyment comes from, but what I equally don't understand is why this type of role play is much less acceptable than that of fantasy buffs or re-inactment junkies.

What's more interesting is looking at my own reaction to it. My first response was a smirk and a bit of skepticism. So quick to judge even as I make a conscious effort not to do so!

*name changed to protect identity...obviously.

2010-06-11T10:24:00.002+01:00

I've been hearing a lot of music in my head just before I fall asleep at night...
I wonder how to get it out so other people can hear it?

meltdown

2010-06-08T23:09:00.003+01:00

Today I came to a couple of really big understandings.
I realised that my story of "not good enough" probably came as a result as feeling as a child that my parents didn't want me.
I've carried this idea of being unwanted throughout my whole life and I can see how it's played out in my relationships. I can see how each breakdown lead me to feel like I was somehow not enough.

I've seen the pattern, now comes the hard part- stepping out of it.

Today I Learned...

2010-05-28T18:01:00.004+01:00

That you can never really know how someone feels about you,
until they show you...

Safe journey, Freida...

2010-05-13T13:44:00.002+01:00

I saw my first dead body yesterday.
I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, what with working in a nursing home.
I didn't have to go down to the room, but I knew if I didn't
I would be freaked out and imagine much worse things.
It wasn't so bad really. She looked peaceful and could nearly have been sleeping.
Still, I don't think it's something
I'd like to get used to.

2010-05-09T21:56:00.004+01:00

Seeing you laugh,
so hard your sides hurt
Made me realise three things:
One, you'd never been so beautiful and-
No one I know does this nearly enough.

On valuing art and music...

2010-05-04T21:38:00.002+01:00

I often ask myself, Why do people have so much love for yet have such a difficult time valuing art and music?

It's so easy to see how it permeates nearly every aspect of our lives- from joggers plugged into iPods to Feng Shui to the couple who planning their wedding, agonises over what song they will play for their first dance.

Can you even imagine a world without music? I have a lot of fun laughing at television programs and how they use music for dramatic effect.

I often shake my head on this latest adventure of being self-employed and trying to get people to understand that my fee isn't a number I pulled out of thin air. I wonder what would happen if I asked every group I worked with to agree to pay me whatever they felt the session was worth at the end. I know participants always get a lot out of drumming, yet the people in charge seem reluctant to want to pay up.

Maybe we have a difficult time valuing music and art because it gives us something so important, that to put a monetary value on it just doesn't compute...

Trying to keep the pace

2010-04-05T21:43:00.004+01:00

Gaz put it perfectly, as he looked in on my last night, lying on the bed in bits.
It's hard to know when you're doing too much, because the bar keeps on moving.

He's absolutely right.

I have no idea how I got through last week. I was 2 weeks into my second job at the nursing home. Working a 5 day week is nothing for most people, yet it's an adjustment for me. Not only am I still drumming, but last week I had 2 drumming gigs *after* work one day.

I managed it. Even with the beginnings of a headcold and a back gone wonky after my first attempt at my new gym program.

I've discovered that I really have to take life a day at a time. More than once over the past two weeks I've been convinced that there was no way I'd make it through the day. I'm pretty sure it was that thinking that brought the headcold on.

By Saturday the worst of the congestion had cleared. By yesterday I was well enough to go bounce around a basketball with Dave. I felt frustration moving around the court checking my movements against the twinges in my back... then attend my very first Mass with the Dublin Gospel Choir,(Kinda strikes me funny that I went to my first Mass on one of the holiest days in the christian calendar and I still have no inclination toward that faith)...still, the music was kinda nice.

By the time we got home however, I'd found the bar....came crashing into it. I started to get the shakes from the pain. That happens sometimes. It's fairly new and really disconcerting. I knew I'd done to much, so I took some painkillers and put myself to bed.

This morning I could have easily stayed in bed another hour. But we were up and away for a birthday brunch. Figured it would be low-key enough for me to manage. I did well for half the day. I played with the newfews and chatted with the adults. We started to play monopoly and I Could feel my concentration going half way through the game. It was weird suddenly not being able to focus enough to count or figure out where my game piece was on the board. By the time we'd finished I knew it was time to rest again.

The bar moved again.

I came home and slept and could have easily stayed in bed the rest of the night. But I got up.

So what will tomorrow be like? Who knows?
All I know is that I'm sick of feeling fragile. I want my body back. I want my energy back and I really want my life back.

Acting the fool

2010-03-16T09:45:00.003Z

Watching you bounce around on that poggo stick brought a smile to my lips, but the real killer was when you bounced off the patio stones and got stuck in the grass. I couldn't help but fall over laughing.

Silly boy, I love you to bits.

What a great friend is...

2010-03-07T22:01:00.002Z

I've got a friend, and he's a great friend.
You know why?

Because we dream together. We Scheme together. We laugh and cry and rant and rave together. We bounce ideas and philosophize. We push each other to be our best and we kick each other in the butt when we recognise that we are not properly valuing ourselves.

We may not speak on a regular basis, but he's there when I need him, as I am for him.

Love you buddy ;)

A little ray of sunshine

2010-02-07T12:49:00.002Z

Maybe my intention stopped being clear?
Maybe I listened too much to what others were saying?

In any event, this past weekend I fandangled myself a trial session at a social skills club for children with Autism. I wasn't sure what to expect and I ran the gauntlet of self-doubt, but all that quickly melted away when I arrived. These were kids just like any other kids. Sure, some of them were prone to withdrawl and one didn't speak, but so? That's no real challenge for me at this stage.

Working with children is definitely different than what I'm used to. I find it's more of a whole-body experience that needs to be created. Dancing, miming, stamping your feet, chanting.

I'm discovering a new use for my aptitude for stringing together rhymes.
I'm still far from what I would consider sorted, but the program leaders were very happy with me and after their break, we'll be discussing continuing a program. Exciting!

So so sick of winter.

2010-01-30T14:01:00.002Z

Lots happening, or little...depending on how you look at it.
As always, the balance seems to be kept. Melt down last week realising that I'm not going to be able to continue to focus all my attention on what I love. I've got to get another job. This recession is giving my dream job a real kick in the pants.
It's been a lesson in trust and community. I'm afraid to admit just how broke I've become...or maybe I stubbornly continue to refuse to believe that I can't make a living doing what I love.

I've been job hunting.

There's got to be a way to keep going.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling at a loss for ideas.

A year ago this week...

2010-01-20T08:05:00.004Z

This week is a milestone for a few things. Obviously, another year older, but also it's a year ago this week that I joined my Samba group.

I still remember coming home after my first practice, hands swollen and a huge smile on my face, begging for ice. That was a year ago and I haven't looked back. My Monday night routine of driving to Tallaght for our 2 hour practice is something I look forward to each week. I've even convinced two friends to join me.

This week also marks the one year anniversary of starting my own business. It's hard to believe that last year at this time I was stressing out over leaving a job that left me exhausted and wondering when the work load would ever level off. It's amazing to think of all the people I have touched with music since making that scary choice to leap into the unknown world of self employment. Buying my drums was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my whole entire life.

Sure, I've been stressed and have had to learn a lot on the fly, but Keep Looking Forward, right? ;)

Wonder where I'll be this time next year...

Happy Mean Birthday

2010-01-18T09:59:00.002Z

Lots happening and I've not been keeping track of any of it.
Car leaked petrol all over the road this morning...so much for going to the pool.
Worrying about money never solved anything.
How deep will we go?
Almost another year older.
Conflicts and mis-communication...or perhaps something got lost in translation?
Long walk by the sea.
Smile that lights up the room.
Straying further apart.
Coming closer together...

A loss for words...

2010-01-05T04:07:00.004Z

Please don't take my silence
as ambivalence to your departure
or the way we now find ourselves
straddling what was and this new place where it all feels very much the same.

As hard as a
I try, I just can't seem to find the words
to describe this emotional discomfort.
I refuse to be the definition of insanity
and as much as it hurts
I just keep telling myself-
it will be less painful than the alternatives.

Still,
I don't know how to be.
We've strayed off our map and I've no compass to guide me.
Please don't ever doubt that I love you.
This is something I've learned
has never, and will never go away.

To see that smile on your face and watch the way you move,
Knowing your very thoughts from a glance.
I see you.

It feels so unnatural- but very much the right thing to do at this moment in time.
Don't doubt for a minute that I hold you dearly in my heart. For now I must go and explore. I hope you will forgive me this wanderlust.
Until we meet again, lover.

Happy New Year :)

2010-01-01T00:10:00.000Z

Well, if the first day of 2010 has been any indication to how this year will go- it's gonna be a good one ;)

Chocolate cake for breakfast, conversation with a wonderful Irish boy, lovely trip down to Nan's where we played music, ate a lot of food and laughed and laughed...
Odd conversation with a friend from the past and realising still more love is finding its way to me.

A walk on a snowy beach, a much needed hug, time with family and friends.

Snow storm, but four-wheel drive, and no need to hurry.

Last night Ian hosted a New Years do...it was more of an open house with people popping in throughout the night. It was really great. Got to see some folks I haven't seen in ages and even meet someone new. Best New Years I've had in a long time.

My intention for 2010 is to dedicate it to the reckless pursuit of happiness....mine and others. I've already gotten started and it's going great so far ;)

Merry Christmas juxtaposition

2009-12-26T16:34:00.004Z

He was the most pathetic wretch of a creature I'd ever seen. Curled up in the bottom of a small cardboard box set beside the toilet, he was practically leaking his misery on the floor.
I wondered why anyone could ever let him get to that state. His fur was thin and lackluster. His face was scabby and swollen as he looked up at me with dazed eyes.

I sat on the toilet and listened to the laboured breathing of the half-dead creature in the box. I drew my symbols and I asked permission to share my Reiki. He only looked up once during the whole time I drew white light over his failing body.

I left the bathroom nearly in tears. It just seemed wrong to be celebrating in the next room with so much pain just behind the bathroom door.

World(s) traveler

2009-12-26T12:31:00.002Z

I feel as though I am a traveler, but not of the world, rather of three worlds. The first world is what I knew. It is safe and comfortable...to a degree. Predictable in a fashion. Everything in this world has a time and a place.

The second world is the one I know on a day to day basis. It is a place of transition, exploration, shift and change. It holds elements of the world I knew and the a third type of world that I am coming to know.

The third world is a place I have experienced in special moments. It's a place that exists outside of time and space. It is a place of intense love and existence in this place surpasses all fear. Like any traveler to a new world, I had my suspicions it existed, when I caught those first few accidental glimpses. From that time, I've found new paths, new places within this world to explore. I have discovered that this is a world full of richness and diversity...but that its richness and diversity are in the detail and easily over- looked.

I move between these worlds constantly. Sometimes the transition is easy, but more often than not I get caught in a sort of emotional jetlag. Unable to exist fully in one world or another, but carrying the customs and practices in between the three. I'm sowing cultural seeds; sometimes these seeds die and sometimes they grow with unexpected ferocity, catching me up in the vines.

Like any weary traveler, sometimes the trip between exhausts me. I become disoriented and just need a moment to get my bearings.

Lately something has been shifting. I find I draw more people to me that support life in the third type of world. This makes shifting into the first world more difficult than ever. While I still hold so much love for the people of the first world, I fear that we hold less and less in common. Our customs and traditions have an ever widening cultural gap that I am finding more and more difficult to bridge...

All kinds of crazy...

2009-12-17T10:24:00.002Z

I dunno what it is about me being alone in new places that attracts the strangest kind of people, but it happened again yesterday when I went to the pool.

I've been swimming 3 times a week back in Dublin, and giving that up for 3 weeks did not seem like a good idea. Fortunately for me, Ian's place is quite close to a pool and Brent happened to have a pass kicking around.

I arrived without incident. The nice lady on the desk told me where to go and I found myself swimming shortly after.

I had another "I love Halifax moment". See, my theory about Halifax is that it's big enough so that if you don't want to see someone you won't, but small enough that you can run into someone unexpectedly and be pleasantly surprised. I ran into the Roedings :)

Eventually it was time for me to get out and I made my way to the changing room. I was having a difficult time getting my lock to release, when I asked a seemingly normal woman sat not too far away if there was a trick to it.

She smiled widely at me and spoke through partially clenched teeth. I could barely make out her comment about how dhe didn't know, but sometimes people don't even use locks, laughing sporadically in between her words.
I probably should have known at this point to just avoid eye contact and get dressed as quickly as possible...but there's always this slightly sick part of me curious to know just how crazy a crazy person really is...
Then she was talking about the cold and how at least it wasn't as bad in Manitoba. I asked if that was where she was from. No, where was I from. The Bay, I reply, but I've been living in Ireland for the past few years. Just home visiting for the holidays.
Oh, she says. Well, be careful. Don't die.

Don't die? Huh?

Well, that's not in my plans, I reply with a puzzled look.
No one ever plans it, she replies.

At that, I'm buttoning up my jacket, wishing her a good day and exiting the changing room.

As Nan says, it sure does take all kinds...

2009-12-14T22:46:00.003Z

He was angry with me, and I can't say I blame him.
He said he was disappointed in me, that I didn't know myself better.
He said I hadn't changed since he'd first met me.

I was upset until I realised-
To say these things is to show me that he knows me not at all.
I regret causing hurt, but...
I'll never regret choosing what is best for me.
I'll never regret my constant pursuit to know myself better.
I'll never regret making the commitment to having integrity for myself.

I choose to love myself and to do what I need to do to fulfill that choice.

I no longer compromise.

Synchronicities

2009-12-13T21:03:00.003Z

I've been having a lot of conversations with God, Universe, Source, whatever you want to call it lately.
I've been asking for certain things- like clarity, love and fearlessness.
I like to think that when I ask these things, I can often hear or see the answer. It may not always be obvious at first, but like a little whisper in my ear, I know there's something afoot.

I just got a very clear message in the form of a wonderful man who is blowing me wide open and showing me just how great my life is becoming.

I love it how the universe breaks my brain.

Thank you.

Surprises

2009-12-07T10:23:00.003Z

I surprised myself this weekend. I did a few things that I wouldn't usually do.
I don't regret any of it, in fact, I'm really proud of myself.
I mean, if I'm truly re-inventing myself, I shouldn't know how I will act in any given situation all the time.

I once said that the hard thing about changing is that people outside of you don't always recognize it. They continue to relate to you, to speak to you, to expect of you all that which was relevant to how you used to me. Stepping outside of that, behaving in a new way can cause a shock to their belief system.

So how to find the balance?

I'm finding that as time goes on, it gets more difficult for me to try to conform to other peoples ideas of who I am and what is appropriate behaviour. I want to try new things on. It's that simple....except, ya know, when it's not.

More sex is safer sex: The unconventional wisdom of Economics

2009-12-05T10:58:00.002Z

On computer use and obesity:

"...obesity tends to be highest in states where computer ownership is lowest, and that's true even after you control for income. And increases in obesity tend to be highest in states where increases in computer ownership are lowest. So the evidence goes against the computer-as-instruments-of-the-devil theory.

Instead, computers seem to keep us trim- maybe because they're so fascinating that we forget to eat, or maybe because we burn calories in silent rage every time the system crashes."

There should be nothing left of me if this is true ;)

Choice & Integrity

2009-12-02T10:31:00.004Z

I choose health.

But sometimes I forget and make bad choices.
Choice seems to be a central theme for me this year, and with a month left to go I think I'm getting better at making good choices for myself...which is not to say that I don't still occasionally make very stupid choices.

The point is, whatever I do, it's all choice, and until I am properly conscious of the choices I make, I won't take responsibility for the consequences. How could I?

When I woke up on Monday I couldn't move properly. I was a little panicky at first- then I realized it was my own doing. I Realized (again) that really, I can't eat chocolate. When I eat chocolate, even if I don't feel it immediately, I WILL feel it. I kinda went on a chocolate binge last week. I stretched, a rested, I stopped eating chocolate and now I can almost move without pain...

If I choose health, what on earth was I thinking by choosing to eat chocolate? I can only come to 2 conclusions: Either I don't think very much of myself or I wasn't choosing consciously.

I get very frustrated when people don't do what they say they will do.
I've said to myself that I have a commitment to doing whatever it takes to get my body on track...yet chocolate. I get frustrated when other people don't have integrity...but where is mine? Sure I do what I'll say when it comes to others, but I haven't been able to keep this basic commitment to myself...hmmmm

Conducting business...in my birthday suit

2009-11-25T08:17:00.003Z

I had to laugh yesterday.
I went for a swim and got to chatting with a lady in the sauna about what I do. A second lady came in just as I was going out. I met her in the shower room. I was just drying off when she asks if it's me who does the drumming. I then have a five minute conversation with this woman, standing there buck-naked explaining all about what drumming events I am currently running and encouraging her to come along.

I never thought I'd find myself marketing in the nude...hey, whatever works ;)

Healing

2009-11-21T01:09:00.002Z

I went to Oscailt tonight to take part in a group healing. There must have been about 20 of us. We sat through a sort of guided meditation lead by two healers who channel as a part of their work. One of them did the physical part, the other spoke, describing the energies she sensed in the room, the blockages that were coming up and the presence of guides.

Physically, I found the session quite tiring, as we were sat in meditation for over an hour. At the end, the healers invited the group to give feed back or ask questions. I took part in this and was intrigued by some of the things said:

Said it's like this haze has been in front of my face keeping me from seeing my path clearly. I've been veering off course and getting stuck in the ditch- low energy. Time to get back on the road!

I've not keep good boundaries and as a result am feeling quite raw. I've now reset these. I will now draw healthy love into my life.

I've been wanting to make some big changes and must take my time to take measured steps...but the path is clear in front of me.

Next couple of weeks are likely to be a bit crazy with all the shifts...here we go...

Re-inventing

2009-11-15T12:34:00.004Z

So yesterday Gaz & I went on a quest with the intention to finally sort out our front room.

We ended up buying a bookshelf and a lamp and flying a kite on a very windy, very cold beach.

When we got home we tore apart the front room. Books and DVDs piled all over the place, random cables, photos all in a mass on our sofas. I thought we'd never get through it all, but we did and the difference is really noticeable.

The space went from a place where things just got put on shelves, to a room with intention. The whole energy of the room has changed and has gotten so much more cosy. I'm really looking forward to hosting our next Wednesday Circle here :)

The next task will be to sort out the left overs in the Red Room and finally get stuck into the Weird Room...which really needs a lot of love.

2009-11-13T16:32:00.002Z

So easy to get wrapped up in emotional bullshit until a very real near miss occurs and shakes me out of self pity.
Jack, I have no idea what I would do if I ever lost you. Thank you for reminding me of just how much love is out there.

Here & Now...

2009-11-11T11:04:00.001Z

“My mother once told me that beauty occurs when time ceases to exist..."

Late night poetry

2009-11-10T21:40:00.003Z

Is it really so easy, for you to let go
To go back to the people and places you know?
Make believe it was a dream from long ago,
and fade back to grey with nothing to show?

Is it really so easy, for you to say goodbye,
to end the conversation and stop asking why?
To give reassurances for another time,
to dismiss it as a fluke, an unusual night?

Is it really so simple, to be as you were,
to forget the passion, the presence, that stir?
Do you find yourself wishing that I was her,
Or is it the status quo you prefer?

I'm trying to hard to leave it be
to move on from that place, to cut myself free
from the ache in my heart that just won't leave
and live in the skin of this new person called me

But I can't walk away from this new revelation
No matter how long I sit in meditation
No matter how I vent in conversation
I just want to continue the communication

I don't want to go back to the old ways of being
You've opened me up and changed what I'm seeing
You've closed the door and now I'm screening
I won't accept less in future meetings

Insight

2009-11-07T20:06:00.002Z

We experience the world through our five senses...
So our bodies are the vehicles through which we can experience wisdom.
Wisdom being so often intangible, sometimes we mistake the body for the wisdom and try to hold on...forgetting that the experience will always be there. No matter how the tangible world around us may shift and change beneith our senses, the wisdom will remain.

Heart sick

2009-11-06T19:23:00.005Z

You might as well ask me to stop breathing
for the difficulty I have
in just trying to hold the line.

You might as well stop me in mid-smile
as tell me that I'm just not allowed to do
what comes so naturally

You might as well ask me
to sit in a darkened room and be content
to know the sun exists

A door has opened within me
and not only do I not want to close it
I refuse to.

I will honour my word
I will stand witness
I am here.

To Fill with Love

2009-11-03T17:27:00.002Z

You taught me so much in our time together. We connected on a level I've never experienced and I am grieving the space you once filled
We worshiped in a sacred space, healing deep wounds.
I'll never regret it, I'll never forget it and I will always love you til the day I die.

Scotland, you beauty

2009-11-02T23:00:00.004Z

A year later and I find myself not in the same place exactly, but in the same country where this roller coaster began.

Again, I go in thinking I'm going to learn what's on the curriculum and again, I come out learning what I intended and so, so much more.

Open to receive. You get what you give, but only if you are willing to receive it, to be present to it.

At times I felt so filled with love that I thought surely I would overflow. At times I did.

So much music, so much beauty, so much passion all packed into a damp and homey lodge in the middle-of-no-where Scotland.

I connected with more people and a deeper level than ever before. I'm now grieving the spaces left in my heart where they resided.

I want to live my life in love. I'm going to.

Visiting the Stones

2009-10-22T13:35:00.002+01:00

Sure, they've made it into a right and proper tourist trap...but did you feel that? I did.

To Iain,

2009-10-12T09:37:00.004+01:00

3 Years yesterday since Iain's passing, and I am still grateful to him for the constant reminder to live life to the fullest. As if in response to his anniversary, my yesterday brought something beautiful...

I went to the Park, to check out if the ground would be dry enough for drumming. There's a market that happens on Sundays and on my way home, one of the vegetable sellers waved to me and caught my attention. I walked over and he looked at me with a delighted expression and said, " We're twins, you and me". I gave him a quizzical look, and he said, " I wear odd socks too! My wife thinks I'm a bit mad." We got to talking about my drumming. "Why do you do it?" he asked. Because I love it and because it brings people joy. Thus began a whole conversation about the feeling of needing to conform, the current state of the economy and of people's minds.
By the end of the conversation, I was walking away with a bag of carrots & parsnips and an invitation to "cough as you walk by" if I ever needed some food.
I walked away with the biggest smile on my face ever.

Later, after I'd wrapped up the Sunday Circle, Zse told me that someone had left a gift for me. A regular to the circle, who was on the mailing list. I looked in my bag only to find...a giant Canadian flag :P

I am holding firm to the belief that as I walk my path and hold true to who I am, my community will support me. You have all been instrumental in my getting to here!

Human Operating System

2009-10-09T15:26:00.003+01:00

Henrik put me on to the program, as he so often does.
I've signed up to receive daily emails on how to create mastery in my life.
I'm already noticing changes, inspite of my 3-week meltdown.

I started with a question: "what do I want?"
My list was over 3 pages long and I'm sure I could have kept going. But then I realised, none of it meant anything until I get my health sorted.

So I started swimming 3 times a week.

Next I began (and continue) to sort for small ways in which I can make my life more pleasurable. Rest when I feel tired, take some time to myself when I feel I need some quiet, eat food that inspires my taste buds, tidy my office space...

Everything piled up there for awhile, and I'm a good 10 days behind on my HOS materials, but I've been slowly picking away at the things that need to be done and remembering to give myself time and credit.

We now have the new car, it's brilliant and a pleasure to drive.
I've sorted out most of the paperwork that had been piling up and in need of resolving...which will hopefully lead to me being paid very soon.
I put together my first equipment order since I started on this path.
I taught myself how to circle knit and have made hat's for both Gaz & I, will a request for two more from other friends.
I got a friend to do an energy clearing on the house.

My body is still tender, but my head space has improved massively.

I took my first school booking this week, and it looks like the week leading up to my training in Scotland is going to be a busy one. My website is almost ready for launch...finally

HOS is teaching me that how I do things is perfect for me. The pace at which I go is the one that was designed for me, and that I'd better damned well start listening more to my body.

I'm stretching a lot...physically and mentally. I'm also learning to be more patient with myself...which I'm discovering to be quite possibly my biggest challenge...

One Step closer to a new car...

2009-09-29T14:13:00.003+01:00

The Magic Micra is on its last legs and with that in mind, I've been car hunting.
The first person I spoke to was my mechanic and I think I just might have lucked out. I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted, and how much I was prepared to spend: Slightly bigger than the Micra, engine no bigger than 1.2 (Motor Tax rates have gone through the bloody roof here), hatchback, and wouldn't it be great if I could get the colour I wanted? Green...

My Mechanic invited me down and voila:

A 1998 Renault Clio. Older than I was hoping for, but hell, it's in way better nick than my present means of transportation. With half the mileage and no rusting on the body, there was only one thing left to see...would my drums fit in the boot?

I am pleased to report YES!

We've still gotta check out insurance prices and the like, but if all goes well, we'll have a new car by the weekend ;)

Transition

2009-09-26T12:05:00.003+01:00

Today I move through the world gingerly. I handle myself like a porceline doll, afraid I'll break. I put myself on a shelf where I'll be safe from clumsy hands.

Some mornings I wake up and I can't stand the thought of leaving the house. When I can get myself out, I soon come up against a wall and I know it's time to go home and rest.

Who do I want to be right now?

I want to be healthy and energetic.
I want to be loving and courageous.
I want to be confident and excited.

But all of these things have been coming with difficulty these past few weeks. And all I can do is rise every day and take it as it comes. I'm learning what it means not to take things for granted.

Oooooh Macbook :)

2009-09-10T17:19:00.002+01:00

This week has brought so many great things!

For starters, it's been uninterupted-ly sunny for the past 2 days...woo!

I got my pool pass and have started into my routine of swimming, (three times a week is my present goal).

I went shopping and bought some nice warm clothing for the autumn weather.

I got two groups signed on for a block of sessions drumming.

My Macbook arrived (EEEEEE!)

Gaz has ordered me a midi cable, which means capability to record music from my keyboard.

Been composing music.

Had a great dinner party with friends.

So...WOOT!

Human Operating System -Devon White

2009-09-06T21:29:00.004+01:00

So Henrik put me on to the Human Operating System and I'm really enjoying it!
It's founded on the Mythoself Process, which looks at mythology and human imprinting. Mythoself is all about they physicality of how to be at your best.

HOS takes it a bit further by helping you to first identify what you want, and then live from a position that helps you to achieve it.

In a recent audio recording, Devon White, the creator of HOS explains Telelogical thinking. It goes a little something like this:

Everyone has a Personal Mythology, which is like a container in which all personal experience will/ can happen. It will be what all your life’s experience is sorted through.

A Personal myth is how we think about ourselves. If this myth is based around past experiences, we are likely exosting from a place of limitation. I.e, I've never been good with numbers, or I tried launching my own business, but it failed, so I guess I'm not cut out to be an entrepreneur.

Often times, we will find that if we can remember the moment where we made this decision about ourselves and our abilities, that the person who can't do numbers remembers being embarassed in school, the failed entrepreneur went bankrupt.

But where did these people come from before the trauma? What did their experience look like before the upsetting event?

HOS talks about being born with a perfect fascination. It's the curiousity we are all born with and we see it time and again with children who will ask question after question.

But something happens to this fascination- some traumatic event and the perfect fascination is interrupted. We shut down. Devon uses the example of a child caught drawing on the wall. The childs mother scolds him, he experiences a physical, fear-based response. He mustn't anger the one who ensures his survival. His Perfect Fascination is interrupted. Suddenly he associates crayons with this physical experience that he had when his mother scolded him.

Skip ahead a few years, and suddenly the child is a teenager, and he hates art.

More years pass and the original trauma may have been forgotten, but none the less he finds himself as an adult and he really wants to be an artist. He knows this is not really realistic; he's not good at drawing. but decide they’re not skilled enough.

His Personal Myth rotates around the fear-based decisions he made as a child.

Another thing about our Personal Myth: We won’t see something if it’s not part of our myth. We stop considering what would be amazing and start settling for what will pay the bills.

Telelogical thinking is when we stop existing out of a Personal Myth based in the past. Take the same child, not man. When he uses telelogical thinking he goes from the future and thinks, I am a fabulous artist. In doing this, the physical memory associated with the trauma is released.

Devon uses another example:Self Help.

An individual spends time cramming knowledge, trying to change themselves. They are coming from a place that is based on who they are and who they have been and this binds them. The changes they want, keep them where they are. If the person believes s/he is lousy and wants to be a nice person because s/he a lousy person, s/he stays exactly where they are, because the fundamental belief is "I am a lousy person."

When we put who we want to be in the future, as an inevitability, it takes off the pressure to change. The process has to do with who we are becoming, and not focusing on how we have to change now.

This gives us directionality. Our whole system can release traumas and pressures of who we are based on who we’ve been. Now, we begin to open to a future version of ourselves...completely independent of past limitations...

2009-08-31T14:20:00.002+01:00

...and I got to thinking, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves when we meet someone we like? Why is it that we hit 30, 40, 45...and it's suddenly as though we will find our salvation in the perfect woman/man?

Why are we so damned afraid to be alone? So afraid, that we can't live in the present moment, can't enjoy what we have Right Here. Right Now. Always weighing out whether there will be a return on the investment of the time we've put in.

What expectations are you holding today?

Productive in my procrastination...

2009-08-25T11:57:00.002+01:00

So I started my online Kindermusik Fundamentals course last week. I'm already behind. I caught myself getting very worked up about this and promptly stopped. It would appear our poxy internet connection is going to be more problematic than I first estimated. True to the Irish way, it's also taking us -much- longer to get a proper connection than we'd hoped...hopefully it won't take as long as we fear!

So, while I've been fighting with the online classroom, I decided I'd rather not this morning and have been doing everything else that needs to be done. Like taking out the recycling. You know it's gotta be rough if I choose that task over something else!

I was working on my Kindermusik stuff yesterday and I find I'm challenged by more than just the online classroom. The underpinning ethos is grating just a bit on my current state of being. I get it. It's meant to motivate you, but everything about it is making the assumption that I have decided to dedicate my life to Kindermusik. I am renouncing my old, chaotic life and moving to the light of the Kindermusik way.

Er...wait a minute. I don't remember signing up for that.
The second activity we were given was related to goal setting. Great! Always a good idea to get a clear idea of where you are going right?
Well, it used to be anyway, until I started subscribing to the whole Mythoself philosophy: Be Your Best. Now. Goals just don't enter into it. Setting goals is like forever reaching into a non-existent future. It's like saying, who I am now is not enough and it never will be...at least if you see things from the point of view of Joseph Riggio, creator of the Mythoself Process.

Hmm...

Where does this put me?

I've decided to Frankenstein the two. I'll complete the coursework, but the goals I set won't be solely focused on my future with Kindermusik.

I've got to say, one of the KM activities did help to put things into perspective for me. I was tasked with drawing how I see myself now, and what my Dream Life would be, (See Above). Next I was to come up with a Vision Word. I couldn't help but notice that "balance" and "financial stability", the examples given in the homework sheet, seemed a bit bland. Nope, my word was transcending this stuff and it was a little startling: MASTERY.

Whoa. Where'd that come from?

I'm guessing from this inner,(and outter) transformation that seems to be occuring. I'm not interested in playing small anymore.

In other news, I painted a whale in my bathroom. I found this immensely satisfying.

Time to put my foot down and pull my chin up.

2009-08-17T21:49:00.004+01:00

There are things I'm coming to learn each day
Lessons I forget then remember.

Music and art are top of the list right now; and Value.

I'm experiencing new ideas about old ways of being like: my personal worth is not directly related to my personal wealth. Like, practice makes perfect and perfection is in this very moment.
Like- if I want others to value me, I must first learn to value my Self. And- I must learn to examine what I value and whether my choices reflect these values.

Am I afraid of failure or am I afraid of success?

Do I hesitate to committ because the committment does not represent what I really want, or because I fear I won't be good enough?

I once said: what a gift it would be to have the ability to eliminate self doubt, to live from a place of high self esteem and self worth right from the start. None of this pissing about until you're and old woman, feeling like you can't do something because...insert insecurity here.

But no one seems to be teaching this to adults, and if you don't have the fortune of getting this lesson as a child, I'm sure (in my experience anyway) that it takes much longer to learn.

I'm an artist.
I'm a bloody artist who hasn't had enough sense to admit it and run with it.

So...here we go...

DIY

2009-08-08T18:27:00.010+01:00

So I've had a fair amount of time on my hands since I got back from my trip. Most of Ireland shuts down during the month of August, so drumming has been pretty slow. All the better reason to make some improvements around the house!

I started with the office:

Before:

The room gets lots of natural light in the morning, and we also wanted to chose a colour that would flow with our crazy dining room and our red-tiled kitchen. Orange seemed like a natural choice...
After:

I then moved on to my bedroom. It has such a cold feel to it. White walls, grey curtains and blue/grey/brown carpet. It's also a very small room, just big enough really for my bed and a bookshelf.

There wasn't much I could do about the carpet, so I decided to work around it the best I could. I picked out this fabulous colour: Russian Velvet, but it quickly became obvious that if I painted all the walls in this colour it would feel much smaller than it already is. In the end, I opted for 2 walls in Russian Velvet, and two walls in Ivory Cream.
It was about this time my friend Lamin came to visit.

I don't know how he managed it, but he really matched the colours in my room, inspiring me in the end to choose brown drapes :) I'm quite pleased with the way the room turned out!

Stay tuned to see what I did to the gardens... :)

Been asked to come drum for LGBT Noise in their protest this coming Sunday...

2009-08-06T21:27:00.003+01:00

Please join us for an important cause :)

2009-08-01T18:45:00.000+01:00

My words feel clumsy, they won't come as I need them to. They stick in my throat and they stick in my fingers as I type. Molasses.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I've been wondering about your words. Wondering: what would you give, really?
I wonder if you have any idea how every cell in my body seems to know how this should turn out, yet...I'm waiting for you to figure out what you need to do. It's so simple.

...But I can't give you the answer.

And I have to accept that there are no guarentees.

Have I mentioned how much I love words?

2009-07-30T22:24:00.000+01:00

...and word games? ;)

Experience. Life.

2009-07-27T12:06:00.004+01:00

It's been a difficult transition, this shedding off my old skin and growing into a new one. I'm not going to lie, I did spend a good five days just trying to motivate myself to do simple things like unload the dishwasher.

I need something to focus on. Without it I am lost. Adrift at sea- no paddle, no compass.

Black moods are no stranger to me, they've been stalking along side of me since I can remember...joke is on them this time, for I have tools now to deal with them.
I take myself to the seaside and I practice presence. I sit still with the turmoil inside and I will not get up until I can remember to be grateful. I put myself into my form and I walk with wings once again.

I live my life like an artist. I look for inspiration for what I will paint into my experience. It's all one sprawling canvass and I get to choose.

Who will I be today? What experiences will I chose that will change the latest idea of Who I Am?

New home.
New living arrangement.
New way of living.

It's all a bit much sometimes and I find myself running for cover. When the panic is over I pull the sheet off my head and remember to love this new space I occupy. I chose it...and tomorrow may not be the same, because it all comes down to choice.

My! How you have changed!

2009-07-07T20:37:00.002+01:00

I know the haircut was a bit of a shocker for some people, and sure I've lost a bit of weight since last year, but not enough that it should really be noticeable.

Last night, Grandma Roeding: You're different, yes, you have lost weight...no, your face has changed...no...you're taller. Yes, that's it, you grew!

I can feel my energies shifting, and it seems to be having an impact on my outside appearance...people have been commenting on it during the entire trip.

Interesting!

What is Karma? (From- Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 teachings on cultivating fearlessness & compassion)

2009-07-06T03:58:00.002+01:00

Karma is a difficult subject. Basically it means that what happens in your life is somehow a result of things that you have done before. That
s why you are encouraged to work with what happens to you rather than blame it on others. This kind of teaching on karma can easily be misunderstood. People get into a heavy-duty sin-and-guilt trip. They feel that is things are going wrong, it means they did something bad and they're being punished. But that
s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings you need in order to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, now you're given this fift of teachings in the form of your life. Your life gives you everything you need to learn how to open further.

Nova Scotia

2009-07-04T15:11:00.003+01:00

So yeah, I've been doing a bit of a rubbish job of keeping the blog updated...I blame it on the written word...sorry, but I still prefer to have a journal by my side.

Albany was something from the random files, so odd that once I shared the events of the day, more than one person asked if I was on drugs during my trip...Honestly, I just attract er...interesting folks, when I travel.

Intense experiences once we got back to the farm. New friends, an over night in Montreal, a great bakery and a flight to Halifax.

Once in, it was hugs and love and home sickness...staying with my boys, seeing friends I haven't seen in way too long and lots of laughter.

This trip has been so beautiful :)

Quick post from one tired lady....

2009-06-25T03:35:00.002+01:00

Well folks, in a stunning twist I find myself writing this post from a hotel room in Albany, New York- after driving here, through Vermont, from Eastern Quebec!

I'm here with Kyra, and it looks like I'm going to get to go to part of a conference on Alternative Education. Anybody see that movie, Patch Adams? Well, the guy that movie is about will be speaking tomorrow night and I am planning to attend. Really looking forward to it.

Albany is an interesting city so far. Reminds me of Halifax in its penchant for steep one-way streets. Lots of beautiful buildings. Interesting patch-work neighbourhoods rich-poor-rich-poor.

A friend of Kyra's, Rob, took us to a Co-op house in the south side. It's so neat- I guess a couple bought the place, used to be a bakery and still has the old stone oven in it. A few people have moved in and they are renovating the whole building. There's a sizable vegetable garden in the back- in fact, there are a surprising number of vegetable gardens spread around the neighbourhood,

Photos are on the way, I promise, but somehow technology isn't cooperating tonight.

Not sure what is on for the rest of this trip, but we'll head back to Quebec either Friday or Saturday morning...

On the Road again

2009-06-19T07:11:00.006+01:00

As usual I am amazed at how time flies- especially when I'm having fun. Dave, Sarah and Andy have been absolutely amazing and I'm so grateful for their hospitality and their company.

I caught up with the rest of the stragglers today: Kevin and James, and a bunch of us went to the beach for a potluck. What a great way to spend my last evening here! I said it before and I'll say it again: when it comes to friends, I am truly blessed.

Andy showed me around China Town yesterday: we got the the Dr. Sun Yat Sen garden and eventually made our way to Grouse Mountain where we did the Grouse Grind...that was the hardest hike I have ever done in my life. It was so worth it, though.

Made a fun and random connection today: Andy's housemate is from Bridgetown, NS and grew up with my ex boyfriend, Colin. I love that I met him on the opposite coast. The world is so small sometimes...

Off to Calgary in the morning...I wonder what the next stage of this journey will bring!

Vancouver Car Free Day

2009-06-16T01:48:00.005+01:00

So yesterday was pretty nifty: we headed for the city with the intention of visiting the Buddhist temple, Dr. Sun Yat Sen Gardens and to check out a street festival that was taking place to promote using alternative transportation.

Vancouver's Car Free Day, was a really impressive event. The city closed down huge sections of streets across the city and held block parties in lieu of traffic jams. The streets were jam packed with musicians, street performers, and vendors selling everything from food to clothing to political opinions.

There was so much to see that we never did get around to going to the gardens: like the spider machine, (which I've seen once on YouTube) and all kinds of interesting politically motivated projects
...this is a pretty politically active city I've come to discover...

So yeah, the hope is to get to the gardens tomorrow, but we'll see...

What a weird and random first day...

2009-06-14T16:12:00.004+01:00

So my first full day in Vancouver was interesting to say the least. I woke up pretty early and meditated/ wrote in my journal to keep myself busy til Sarah and Dave came to live. When they eventually did, we hopped in the car and headed for the UBC farmers market. I was pretty excited to go to the opening day of the market- I had visions of baked goods for breakfast, just like the market back home. Unfortunately, this market was pretty low-key. There were a few stalls set up, but mostly vegetables were on sale. UBC has a farm where all these vegetables came from, which is really amazing if you ask me. It'll be great to see the market expand.

We returned to the market and had a nice leisurely breakfast on the balcony before deciding to walk along the waterfront towards downtown Vancouver. It was so cool to be able to walk along the shoreline while seeing the tall buildings in the near-distance.

The sun was scorching. There were so many people out, all taking advantage of summer. I've got to say, the walk was where the weird and wonderful began to occur...
It started with stumbling across a game of Bicycle Polo. Upon further investigation on Wiki, I discovered that this crazy version of Polo was invented by the Irish! Why doesn't this surprise me?

Next, as we meandered along the paths through parks, we came across a fenced in event for children. Not sure what it was, but outside stood a woman with a HUGE stake twined around her body.

At this point, in the journey the sun was starting to get to us and we decided that ice cream was essential. We walked through Kits beach, where I saw a guy who must have been 50 at least, happily riding down the sidewalk on a longboard, and continued on until we found an ice cream truck. We discovered the BC Kite Flyers society had a promotional event going on. Lots of kites flying high. A brief, mischievous conversation about my popcicle and we were on out way.

That's when we came across the weirdest thing of the day- twice:

Did you know that yesterday was the World Naked Bike Ride? ...yeah, neither did we. Until the naked guy with the mic strapped to his bike informed everyone within earshot :D

Check out their website, it's pretty cool.

We got some late lunch after the walk, came back to the apartment and crashed awhile, then headed back into town for Andy's play: 6 weddings, a bride and a gun. It was really cute and I was really glad to get to see Andy perform. We went out with the cast to a restuarant/ bar called Earls afterward and finally stumbled in the door about 1am.

What a crazy day!

Getting the ol' creative juices flowing

2009-06-11T18:56:00.002+01:00

I once listened to a TED talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert. She was discussing creativity and how there is a lot of pressure put on artists and writers to perform. She explained how in ancient Greece and Rome creativity was seen as a collaborative process between the artist and his Genius or Daemon. This, she said, greatly reduced the pressure put on an artist to perform. Likewise, it kept the artist from becoming a complete narcissist because s/he knew that s/he was simply a conduit for the creative spirit to flow through.

Elizabeth also told a story of a poet, whose name escapes me. The poet was a farmer and would often work the fields. She described the creative process for her like this: She would hear a poem coming across the field like a train and if she didn't get to a piece of paper and a pen in time, that train would pass her by.

I've been feeling something like this lately. It's not been a train, but more like a wind, it starts to blow and I know it's time to get out some paper and create. If I don't get to that paper in time, the wind dies down and the creative moment is gone. I can try to push it, but ultimately it gets me nowhere.

Last night I felt this wind and I listened. I sat down and this is what I created. I'm quite pleased at how it turned out. I used a different kind of paper I've never tried before. It's grainy, kind of like a very fine sandpaper...

Colorado continued...

2009-06-10T17:42:00.002+01:00

So I haven't been taking a lot of time to write on the 'ol blog, but my note book has seen its fair share of scribblings over the past few days.
Jack and I spent three amazing days floating down the Colorado River on Inflatable kayaks. We were in one of the last Red Canyons with public access not requiring a permit. The scenery was wild and beautiful.
We spent two nights camping under and open tent. The first night we were treated to a spectacular thunder and lightening show. The second night was much less eventful, just a lot of wind.

Been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of dreaming and a lot of discovering. More to follow....

Waterworld!

2009-06-01T02:49:00.004+01:00

Today I spent the day with Jack and three of his friends at Waterworld. It's a fabulous water park in Thorton, parter of the greater Denver area. I scared myself silly on the steep water slides, floated down twisting water ways on inner tubes and soaked up the summer sun. We played for 5 hours...I am so tired!

Tomorrow night we're planning a 3-day kayaking/ camping trip from Grand Junction to... somewhere... I am really looking forward to spending time on the water and in the woods.

YAY HOLIDAYS!

Colorado...arrival and excursions :)

2009-05-30T01:39:00.003+01:00

So the flight over was long, and the inflight entertainment was crap, but I had a good neighbour and all bags arrived in one piece. My change over in Chicago was smooth and Jack was waiting when I arrived in Denver.

I met some really interesting people on my journey- an architect from Huston, Texas who was interested in sustainable development, a doctor from Ireland specializing in livers and an American girl who was heading home after spending two months WwOOF'ing in Kilkenny. (For those of you who haven't heard of WWOOF (Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms).

So what can I tell you so far... The bits of Colorado I have seen are beautiful. Denver sits in the embrace of the Rocky Mountains- snow-capped peaks and green spires that stretch on for what feels like forever. The downtown core is surprisingly quiet. Large glass buildings loom and trees line the streets. Historical buildings (more to explore later) and many houses made of brick.

My first day here was packed. We started with a walk in Castlewood Canyon.. Next we drove out to Golden, passing the Coors brewery (which looks oddly out of place in the mountains). We drove through winding mountain passes and eventually wound up at Red Rocks, which is a stunning natural amphitheater. This stage has hosted many performers from Neil Young to the Beatles to the Dave Matthews Band. It was built after the war as a part of the "New Deal", an effort by the government to stimulate the economy. In fact, the reason Colorado has so many state parks is for this very same reason.

Jack and I had rootbeer floats at 10:30am...It was about this time that I decided I would dedicate the next 2 weeks to being a big kid and having a much fun as possible.

In Denver we went to an outfitters called REI, which is located in the old Denver train station. It's a huge gear shop that boasts its own indoor climbling wall, a kayak testing pool and cold room for testing winter gear. Yes, I did drool a little, and no I didn't spend all my money...but I was tempted :)

As if the day wasn't packed enough, we went to my first professional baseball game! Colorado Rockies vs San Diego Padres. We sat waaaay up high and ate burritos. The game had its slow moments, but the end was really exciting with the home team scoring a run to tie the game and then scoring a final quick run in the bottom of the 9th. I never much cared to watch baseball on TV, but I'd go watch a live game again...if only just to participate in the wave!

Life

2009-05-26T19:27:00.002+01:00

...is becoming a series of beautiful moments that I can string together like the lights on a Christmas tree. It's filling me with love and laughter, joy and silence, companionship and focus.

It's about sharing my passion and watching it grow in the hearts of others.

The Sunday Circle this week was amazing. Friends, sunshine, and surprises.

3 days til I leave for Colorado. Lots changing and shifting. For the better I think...

2009-05-19T11:21:00.002+01:00

Can you do what you say you want to, without losing yourself in me?

Womyn

2009-05-17T10:35:00.003+01:00

It's no real secret that I'm not so in touch with my feminine side. I've been asking for a long time what it means to be a woman...somehow the ability to apply makeup and successfully coordinate an outfit seems lacking.

I figured out what it meant this week.

It means being there for your friend when her world is upside down, giving a hug, a cuppa tea, something to make her smile and letting her know that you're listening.

It's not about solving all the problems in one day so much as providing a space where we can pull them out of the dark cupboards where we store them, dust off the cobwebs, then talk about how to paint them differently.

To all my girlfriends out there around the globe, I love you and I am so very grateful for your presence in my life. Your strength and beauty continually inspires me.

Moving....again.

2009-05-06T10:01:00.003+01:00

True to my nomad nature, looks like I'll be moving yet again before I head across the ocean on my next adventure.
The photo above is of one of the -many- places I looked at yesterday. It's the front runner so far; four bedrooms, three of which actually have a decent amount of space in them- the fourth is perfect for an office. The agent said he'd be prepared to give a reduction in rent if we were to take on the task of painting...and you know I'm always up for a little DIY.

The back garden is a bit disappointing as it's literally a bunch of lose gravel fill...one of these "low maintenance" gardens the Irish seem to love so much. We'll see about that. I see an opportunity to put the things I've been learning to work. Anyone want to help me re-claim some green space?

In terms of location, it's pretty decent. It's on a main bus route for Marc, it's 2.5 kms from the Gary's office, it's near a park and not too far away from our friends. Mind you, they won't be within staggering distance anymore, but hey, we'll have a spare room if they want to stay over ;)

We'll be giving up the sea, which I really didn't want to do, and we won't be on the DART line anymore, but I'm thinking the benefits might out way what we're giving up.

I'm taking Marc to look at the place tonight. Gaz in incommunicado for the time being- traipsing about Hong Kong at the minute...I think he's going to like the place though.

I've managed to get a headcold, so I'm going to lay low for the rest of the day. Lots and lots of stuff to sort out...not as much time...

Labyrinths

2009-05-04T10:26:00.002+01:00

Yesterday a group of randoms connected to create a labyrinth on the beach in Greystones in celebration of World Labyrinth Day. I was among them. What a great day! Paul & Sarah mapped it out, the rest of us gathered stones to mark the paths. We all took a turn to walk it with a question, we enjoyed the sunshine. Later we congregated at the Happy Pear for some food and I got to thinking this is how I want to live my life.

Mini- Super powers

2009-05-03T12:33:00.003+01:00

I like the idea that we all have special traits and characteristics that are unique to ourselves, underly ridiculous and probably not particularly useful if one was ever to try to conceive of it as a mini-super power.

My main mini super power, as some of you will know, is the ability to pretty well completely forget a movie that I have watched. Someone will ask if I've seen a film and most times I've no idea. I might have a vague notion of some segments if I've seen it before, but overall, the ending will still be a surprise.

Here are some of the other super powers I have come across that I find particularly useless and enjoyable:

Pavel, my Czech friend will, on occasion, experience a growly tummy...but it's REALLY loud. He says it sounds like whales communicating with each other. I tend to agree.

Henrik used to be able to fall asleep nearly on command in just about any location.

Our Irish friend Kevin can make a very convincing Rotweiller sound...and will do so for unexepcting passers-by :)

Marc is able to deadpan in a snap and convince onlookers that he is incredibly offended at what has just been said. He also has a wicked memory for lyrics and silly poems.

Wendy has this amazing squeel of delight...totally unintentional and quintessentially Wendy.

Curtis seems to be able to make friends with anyone.

I'm sure there are many more examples that I could come up with if I tried.

Whether it be bendy thumbs, strange noises, the point is, these are all unique traits and while sometimes inconvenient, we wouldn't be the same without them.

Oracle?

2009-04-27T08:09:00.004+01:00

He comes to the park nearly every weekend with his four boys, all under the age of ten. They are mad about drumming and full of mischief.
Yesterday we spoke for the first time, his rich basque accent painting his words.
Do you have any children? He askes me.
No, I reply, but I think they're great.
He looks at me with intense eyes and says, you will someday. For sure you will.

Spring

2009-04-23T09:54:00.004+01:00

I remember just how much I love this place when everything starts to stir into life again. There are so many wonderful smells. Flowers, trees, vines, the gorse bushes with their rich coconut/vanilla scent.
The trees suddenly seem to very large and enclosing.

Last night I went for a walk. I took off my shoes and wiggled my toes in the grass. I walked through the fallen peddles of the flowering trees. I listened to the birds call and I breathed deeply. The sky is bright until at least 9pm and there are people enjoying the evening air.

It's spring again.

(Photo courtesy of Henrik)

I love my friends.

2009-04-21T10:48:00.001+01:00

Kaitlin

"you know if anyone else had told me 'I'm quitting my job to play drums" I would have said they were out of their mind, but I knew if anyone could do it it would be you!"

Like the t-shirt says...

2009-04-15T20:02:00.003+01:00

So I've been learning a lot of the fly in my new chosen profession. Most recently it's been about maintenance of drums (i.e tightening the heads), and about getting the confidence back to make things. I used to make things all the time when I was a kid. As an adult, I seem to be quick to buy or replace before creating or fixing.

But, lately this strategy is unusable. See, I've been noticing that a lot of the instruments I have bought just aren't cut for people with bodies different from the norm. Music shops don't seem to have any readily available options for my online shopping cart, so I've been cruising hardware stores, scrounging bits of materials and always keeping an eye out for alternative uses of objects.

I mentioned before about one of my participants who has no arms. The mallets I'm holding in the photo are ones that I DIY'ed in an effort to make it easier for this person to reach the drums. We field-tested them last week and they turned out to be a bit too long, but that's what it's all about: finding what works. There are no one size fits all solutions in this gig.

It's also about sustainability. I had a few empty spice containers littering my shelves for weeks. I've just turned them into shakers. We don't always need to buy new!

Incidentally, after a search on Google, I found a really great looking resource:
International Forum on Musical Instruments Adapted for Persons with Disabilities

Looking forward to investigating later. For now, I'm off to Greystones to join in on a jam session.

We interrupt this blog to bring you the following message:

2009-04-14T10:50:00.003+01:00

(Thanks Gaz, I love it.)

Oh blog, how I've neglected you

2009-04-12T07:50:00.001+01:00

I'm afraid I've left you for another. She's got lots to say and we exchange on an almost daily basis. Please don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me ;)

Connecting through rhythm

2009-03-30T08:46:00.006+01:00

I brought some extra instruments to the park yesterday thinking it would give a nice mix to the group and come in handy if we got some extra people from the drum circle group on Meet Up.

I never thought in a million years we would be sharing music with the many, many families that visit the Farmer's Market each Sunday.

As it turns out, drums and percussion instruments are magnets for children. They're even useful for getting kids out of trees,(so I was told by an exasperated parent).

We had a core of people who held the rhythm and the crowd around us ebbed and flowed. They held the space while we created the music. Any concerns I had about instruments walking were washed away. Sure, they odd child ran off with egg-shakers in hand, but they ALL came back eventually. One little boy even came back to give me a flower he had picked as a thank you. Swoon!

Something very special happened yesterday, that I'm struggling to put into words. I think the easiest way to describe it is that I started by sitting in a park filled with strangers, but eventually, I found myself sitting in a park with my community. These are the people who live here. We probably cross paths several times a week with never a word. Suddenly, I'm seeing smiling faces and hearing thank you! and, will you be back? I love the fact that at one point we had a toddler sitting on the blanket, hanging out really, and I had no idea who she belonged to. She was perfectly happy to sit there surrounded by the music.

We had one family set out a blanket and sit with us the entire afternoon. Mom off to the side watching, dad asking about the drums and daughter making an instrument of her own with a rock and a stick. She later asked us to mind it for her while she went off to play :)

We had a young aspiring conductor, a twig was his baton and a pram was his podium. We had a baby that was not going to miss the music by sitting outside the circle, no sir! Into the middle he went big eyes and egg-shaker in hand. We had a little girl playing a drum that was bigger than her, we had grandparents, aunties and uncles, and people from all nationalities.

Arthur Hull once said, give it away and you'll be surprised what comes back. I didn't put out a hat, I didn't have business cards, I just had instruments and one of the biggest smiles on my face ever.

I won't be able to make it to the park for the next two weeks as I've prior engagements, but you can bet I'll be back as soon as I can.

Portugal

2009-03-25T12:09:00.003Z

I don't feel I can truly recapture the beauty and decay of Portugal in words for you to read. It's really something you will have to see for yourself. Lisbon is a city of juxtapositions. So many beautiful tiled buildings, so much graffiti. There's a real dark undertone to the place and it's almost as though the walls of the buildings whisper of a time when they were part of a true empire. Oh if only you could have seen us in our splendor!

The sun shone hot on our faces and we were propositioned by more than one sketchy fekker trying to sell us hash.

I remember thinking the architecture had a distinct feminine quality about it. Always flowing and few hard angles.

I remember thinking, while looking at the decaying entrance of a Palace, that even the rich and powerful eventually succumb to time.

The food was amazing, the drivers were crazy and there were so many winding alleys to get lost in.

It's a wonder anyone can resist casting becoming an artist in this environment. The detail and artistry in everything was incredible...from the intricate patters of the cobblestones to the rich tapestry of architecture woven into the landscape.

I want to go back and learn more.

Intense experiences

2009-03-09T12:23:00.001Z

I seem to be having quite a few of them lately...growing pains?

Doing something unexpected

2009-03-08T16:28:00.003Z

Yesterday, I played and it felt great.

Gaz had been called in on a server emergency and missed out on our pottery painting date, so when he was released, I thought maybe he could use some play time. I'd been really existing in my body for about an hour at this stage and I wanted to continue. I wanted to go to the park. We walked slowly and eventually picked a spot on the slope of a hill where we sat down in a generous patch of grass. I leaned back and watch the clouds running across the sky. I've never seen clouds move like this anywhere else on the planet. The sun was on my face, the grass was soft below and I was in heaven.

Soon I noticed 2 teenage girls, coming our way. They were giggling to themselves and I knew it was just a matter of moments before they hatched their mischief. They started to come closer than one pretended to trip as though she was going to fall on Gaz.

I've seen this type of thing before. Kids trying to mess with ya, to intimidate or just to get a rise. I still don't quite know what makes them do it. Maybe they're bored...but I don't much care for it. A reaction I would have had in the past would have been to ignore the behaviour, or maybe to get up and walk away.

I'm not sure what made me do it, but this time I jumped up and started to chase the girl around the park, with her running and shouting SORRY! Please! I didn't mean it! Don't kill me! and such. I knew I must have looked like an absolute lunatic. It was all terribly funny to me though. At one point she fell to the ground and I just stopped and looked at her and said, "I'm just messing with ya". I walked back to Gaz who had a look of incredulity on his face. Gaz knows me pretty well by this stage and I like that I can still surprise him :)

Then the friends of the girl were there, doing their best to be annoying, asking why I had chased their friend, asking if Gaz and I were dating, where were we from? Where did we live?

So I said, right, you can stand there and be annoying, or you can sit with us and hang out.

They chose to sit.

We played all afternoon. The first girl reappeared, deciding I wasn't dangerous afterall, and wanted me to chase her again, then two of them wanted to play fight. They threw handfuls of grass and each other and stuffed grass in my pockets. Laughing and trying to trip me. They wanted to take us to the beach to show a mural they had worked on. We skipped stones and I taught them how to cut the devils throat.

It struck me that these kids think they have to be tough. That they have to act a certain way. They think it's ok to yell abuse at each other or to yell at strangers in the park. All this latent anger when all they really want is to play. They want some lunatic in a rainbow sweater to react. To chase them. To talk to them like they have something worth saying.

Eventually, Gaz got a call and he had to go back into work. I told him I'd walk him. Our teenage posse protesting the whole way, pleading with Gaz, asking if I could stay, telling me I had to come back tomorrow.

Yesterday I erased the lines that separate us. I did something unexpected and I learned that I always need to look under the first layer. When I let go of my fear and judgments, something beautiful is waiting to happen.

Busking

2009-03-05T10:04:00.004Z

Sevan, a French friend I've recently made, convinced me to go busking on Henry Street with him and a Polish didgeridoo player named Garek yesterday.

It's been an awfully long time since I've gone busking.

We did well for two hours of playing, again challenging my old idea that I can't make money with music.

The music we made was so different from anything else I've played in the past. Two didgeridoos and me on a drum...totally different experience from playing the flute. I got lost in our sound more than once and the crowds melted away.

I really liked Garek and was sad to learn that he was just passing through. He had a very special vibe about him and was so quiet-spoken that I missed what he said more than once. While he didn't make much use of his voice, he made up for it with the sounds he could get out of that didge. Wow.

Poland, France and Canada meet in Ireland. Music unites the world.

(Photo courtesy of Brian...)

Signs of the economic downturn...boo.

2009-03-03T10:51:00.006Z

Henrik went onto one of our favorite Sushi joint's website and found the following:

Dear Customer

We regret to inform you that AYA has closed its doors.

Our business has struggled in the recent economic downturn and we took this decision with a heavy heart.

We wish to thank our customers for supporting us since 1999.

Yoichi

The Funky Seomra

2009-03-01T11:46:00.002Z

Anyone who knows me knows that you don't exactly have to twist my arm to get me to go dancing, even so, the Funky Seomra was a really neat experience. Imagine a large room with wooden floors and high ceilings. There are large bean bags placed strategically along the parameter of the room and a line of tables selling organic treats and drinks. The lights are low and casting hues of mellow blues and purples, greens and reds. Candles are lit on low tables and incense is burning, giving a heady atmosphere. There are bits of paper on some of the tables with coloured pencils and some wooden blocks on a mat nearby.

There is a screen suspended from the ceiling and random video clips are piped through. The music starts off slowly and gradually builds with intensity as the night goes on.

The crowd seems to be a delightful cross section of the population. Everyone from your typical dread-locked hippy to a classy older lady. Most are wearing free flowing clothing, have cast aside their socks and shoes and you can see them get lost in the joy of the music.

One of the coolest parts of this was that it's a drug and alcohol free environment. Sure, maybe people indulge before they arrive, but there wasn't your typical club scene of idiots and broken glass. It goes from 8 until 1:30am and so I reckon for 15€ it's a good deal.

I plan to go back Paddy's day weekend and I'm wondering if this kind of things exists back home. If not, I'd like to figure out how to make it happen!

Source

2009-02-27T12:46:00.002Z

I scared myself silly last night.
I was in the bath, (not the scary part). I remembered having a moment of intense gratitude- for the hot water, for a moment of calm, for my spirit guides and for Reiki. I had decided it was time to get out of the bath and I stood up.

Then I realised I was missing some time. Kinda like when you catch yourself day dreaming and come back to the present...but not exactly.

I had a startling moment of feeling like I had just come into contact with Source.
I had a startling moment of wondering if maybe I'd just given myself heat exhaustion from a too-hot bath and suddenly wasn't so sure I was going to make it out of the bath without blacking out.

I managed to stumble out, not before dropping half my towel in the water. I sat on the toilet to dry myself off, panting and feeling light-headed.

I managed to get to my bed and pull some clothes on. I knew that right now was not the time for me to be alone. The boys were gone so very carefully I made my way to the hall, grabbed my keys and phone and then headed upstairs to Gaz.

The first words out of my mouth when he opened the door were "don't freak out" and " I need help now." He got me to the sofa and his hands felt cold on my arm. I could feel something bubbling to the surface and I just remembered being very hot and breathing very shallowly.

Gaz got some ice and put it on my neck.

My hands started to tingle, a lot. If I had thought I had given myself heat exhaustion before, that option was no longer valid. This was a cleansing and Reiki was making itself known. It was pushing itself through me and there was nothing I could do about it.
My hands felt to strange, like they weren't my own. Like I'd woken up after sleeping on them. Almost numb, sluggish to respond. I remember my thumbs the most. They felt like to colums attached to my hands, but not part of my hands. The energy was working its way through with such an intensity that my hands curled into themselves and I couldn't do anything about it.

Then I cried. I shook and I sobbed and Gaz stood witness to my momentary madness, his hand on my back, reminding me that I was still in my body and that my body was still very much on this Earth. My eyes were squeezed shut and my lips curled back over my teeth. Whatever this was, it wanted out and didn't care what I had to say about it.

The tingling in my hands burned its way up my arms and legs and then even my eye-lids felt as though they too were tingling.

Then I realised I could open my eyes.
I held my hands in front of me, I must have looked like a rheumatoid arthritis patient. My hands were contorted and I still couldn't straighten my fingers. I asked the Reiki to please be gentle, that I couldn't possibly channel all the energy it was trying to bring through me.

Like a flash flood the crying stopped. When I could speak I asked Gaz for chocolate. I hadn't eaten for a few hours. It was the best thing I had ever tasted. He helped me to drink some water. I couldn't hold the glass.

All senses but touch moved to the background. I knew the world through touch and no words, so sounds, no sight could bring me out of my inner world. I was seeing not through my eyes, but through every pour of my body.

I started to pour Reiki out to Gaz. This experience was like no other. I could feel the congestion in the chakras, I shook as the energy shot through my hands.

And then stillness. And exhaustion.

I've never experienced such a clearing before. I was so glad I didn't have to do it alone.

Germans sure know how to party

2009-02-25T20:10:00.005Z

I went to Germany for my second time this past weekend. Gaz gave me quite possibly the best birthday present ever in the form of a paid flight over and all details sorted. This was the wrap up week of Karneval, an annual celebration that begins on November the 11th and runs until Lent. It's marked by street parties and parades and people dress in mad clothing and random costumes. It's such a special environment that it's hard to really describe- so I'll highlight some of my experiences.
As you can see from the photo, we stumbled upon half a dozen pink, fuzzy bunnies who were more than happy to pose for a picture and then invite us into another.

Bianca asked that I eat a pretzel for her, so I obliged an had a curious experience as a result. I was walking away from the pretzel stand when a guy and his mates come walking toward me. The guy is probably about my age, pretty good looking and is staring at my pretzel as if it is a long lost lover. He stopped in front of me, I held up the pretzel. He took a bite out of it, kissed me on the cheek, said dankeshön and walked away.

This is what I mean by Karenval.

We wondered around Cologne on Saturday, saw it's impressive cathedral and bought glü wein from a street vendor. I was grateful for the heat of the wine in my hands as well as for the fact that it took the edge off my back pain.

Saturday night was party night. Gaz's friends were organisers of a closed party of 450 friends. There was music, food, costumes and dancing. I had such a great time. At some point a guy dressed in drag and I were playing on the dance floor. Laughing and pulling at each others wigs. ALAFF! was shouted many times...it's sort of German for HURAH!

On Sunday we went to the local parade yelling KAMELLE! in hopes that some sweets would be tossed our way. Louise let her inner child come out to play like I've never seen before and I laughed and laughed.

Monday we traveled to Bon for the larger parade and it was fabulous. Louise now had a strategy: she combined just the right about of cuteness in her jesters hat and coveralls with desperation in her voice as she yelled for sweets. Sweets weren't the only things thrown from the array of floats. We also got temporary tatoos, plastic pigs, plasters, socks and a sponge.

I don't think I've been on a trip in my post education life that hasn't involved me booking and sorting part if not all of the details. Thank you to Gaz for playing tour guide. I got a much needed break and has a really fabulous time.

A big thank you to Ben and Dagmar, (Gas'z friends), for feeding us and for giving us a place to crash.

I never knew astrologers could be so literal in their interpretations

2009-02-16T09:48:00.003Z

One day I'm sure I'll write a book about my life. The universe has got to have the best sense of humour of anyone out there, and this week it made damned sure to make it known.

2009-02-10T09:29:00.003Z

Last night I felt like we stepped to the edge of a steep cliff.
You took my hand and we jumped.

I drempt about you all night.

Creative sh*t disturbing...

2009-02-06T12:43:00.002Z

Henrik sent me a link to a blog today...it's really, REALLY neat. I want to get in touch with this gal.

Following my bliss

2009-02-03T10:26:00.003Z

It's scary, but also a big relief.
I know my focus has been off for awhile now and my body is telling me that I am experiencing way to much stress.
I'd been so good at ignoring that before Findhorn.

I'm not exactly sure what is going to happen now. I've got the usual nagging worry, but this time I recognize it for what it is. That helps a lot.

Facilitated a drum circle for friends on the weekend and realised that I've got to learn to RELAX more when I'm in the circle. No point in getting musical constipation.
It was so great to give the gift of music to my friends. To see their faces breaking out in smiles and their heads bobbing to the rhythm.

Time to find more people to share this beautiful gift with...

Map & Compass

2009-01-25T19:30:00.002Z

So I got to go play in the Wicklow mountains today to do an intro to mountain skills course offered by Nathan from Outdoors Ireland.

There were two groups, we were 11, with a mix of ages and sex, but I think I was probably the only non-Irish there.

I've done map and compass reading before, years ago when I took ABEL in highschool. Haven't really used a map and compass since then, but I did remember some bits from way back.

The weather started off nice enough, sun was shining and a light breeze. As we climbed up toward the reservoir, the wind grew stronger and there was snow on the ground. I could see low clouds start to billow their way over the mountain and was a bit uneasy for a few minutes.

Then it started snowing. A lot.

Which is cool in a way. I've only been in a good snow here once, and it was over in about 15 minutes. Up in the mountains the snow was not going to let up anytime soon. It was so cold the side of my face started to go a bit numb. We were going to go to the summit of one of the nearby mountains, but had to head back as we were running short on time. We took a bearing from a col between the mountain and the reservoir and used our compasses to navigate our way back to the road we initially climbed.

I really liked the intro and am considering doing the actual course, although whether time and finances conspire to make this happen, I dunno.

I definitely want to get into more of this when I get back home (I'm looking at you Doug:) )

Well, there goes a quarter of a century...

2009-01-20T09:30:00.003Z

Long time no post!

I guess I haven't been feeling too inspired, or maybe it's just because I've been so damned tired lately.

Along with my 26th birthday, the rest of my drums and my Christmas package from home arrived yesterday. It was a pretty good day!

I'm not sure why, but thus year I really couldn't face planning a birthday celebration. Henrik organised dinner for a group of us at Koisi, a Japanese restaurant off Pembroke road (I'll never forget where it is since the taxi driver couldn't find it for about 15 minutes...) and that was fun.

While I didn't plan a dinner celebration yesterday, I did take myself out to try Samba Drumming and was it ever fun! My hands are feeling pretty tender today, but it was worth it. I'm definitely going back.

I did a search on youtube to see if I could find a decent video to give you an idea...while there's lots up, I didn't see any that immediately grabbed what I feel was the essence of the experience. Although this video is funny to watch because these people all look like robots...or maybe...born again samba players?

Anyway...