Is it Anger, or is it Art?

I feel like I'm coming out of a very long, very dark tunnel.
I walked into Dr. Shayne's office, feeling wobbly and unsure of what to expect. Paul had recommended him the week before, saying the good doctor was very talented at helping people shift negative thought patterns. I knew I had to make an appointment.

The night before I'd had a total melt down. It seemed to come out of no where. One minute I'm napping peacefully beside my boyfriend, the next minute I'm awake a sobbing in great shuddering gasps, missing my marriage and feeling like I'd made a mess of my life.

So really, it wasn't surprising that when I arrived in the office and sat on the plynth, that it took very little for me to feel affronted and start crying.

I know enough to know that I know nothing at all, but it's still difficult to have someone point it out to me, and that's what Doctor Shayne proceeded to do for the next 40 minutes.

He asked me why I was there and when I told him I was experiencing chronic pain and depression he asked me why I was describing everything in medical terms. Yes, but what do you feel? He asked.

So I told him and after awhile I understood that while some of the things he was telling me were things I really didn't want to hear, he was ultimately on my side.

I explained that I thought it was all in my head- not the pain per say, but that my brain was actually the culprit. I have a lot of anger, I said.

Is it anger, he replied, or art?
In his experience, people with anger problems tended to kill people and set fire to things...so it is possible that it could be something else?

I remembered back to a time when someone said to me, gee, you must have a lot of anger about your childhood. I also remembered saying that I didn't really feel angry...yet somewhere along the line I'd adopted that comment and integrated it into my story about who I am.

So, could it be art? Art stuck in my body? Art I can't seem to pull out and can't seem to even conceptualize because I'm too busy worrying that it will be crap?

I wasn't sure, but I figured on the off chance that it was in fact art, waiting to be brought into the world, I'd better get out my paint brushes and see what happens...for that matter, I'd better also get out my instruments and see what comes out when I hit record. There be dragons here.

The Doc also gave me homework- get a copy of A New Earth, by Eckart Tolle, he says.
Alright. I'd read The Power of Now a few years ago, so I knew more or less what I'd be in for...well, that goes to show you what making assumptions does. It's a great book and reading it is like lighting a match in that dark tunnel. I've had a sudden moment of AHA! The exit's over there! Right, off we go.

I've got another appointment on Monday, and until then I'm going to keep reading my book, keep creating and remember to be-here-now.